Being an old maid is like death by drowning; a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.
Edna Ferber, 1887-1968

I don't mind if you look at your watch during my presentation; what upsets me is when you shake it to see for sure if it's still running.

Anonymous Speaker

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with a life insurance salesman?

Woody Allen

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

Mark Twain 1835-1910

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Helen Rowland

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. T he remaining 20 percent cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)

Here's to our wives and sweethearts! May they never meet.

John Bunny (1866-1939)

I never waste energy resisting temptation.

Maurice J. Lewi, MD (at age 100)

When asked how she was feeling after being hospitalized, Mae West replied: "I feel like a new man!"

Too bad that the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.


I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx (1890-1916)

There is no justification for spitting in a man's face unless his mustache is on fire.